Is It Normal to Feel Like I am Failing at Everything Postpartum?
Motherhood is supposed to be magical, right? The real answer, yes and no. You are joyful, and at the same time so unhappy and you feel like you are failing at everything. You love your baby, and you feel like you are just falling short. Falling short in everything; being a mom, being a partner, a friend, an employee and even falling short for yourself.
You Are Not Alone!
Many high-achieving, driven, perfectionist women feel this way in postpartum. You are a creature of habit and all of your habits went out the window when your little bundle of joy came into this world. You are used to excelling in your career and putting in the hours that it takes to turn out perfect work… you don’t have that time anymore. You are used to managing your time effectively… there is way more on your plate now and not more time. You are used to meeting your goals… and goals nowadays seem to be vague and not achievable. Motherhood doesn’t come with clear metrics and no training manual to figure it out. Everything feels messy, unpredictable and overwhelming.
Many new moms feel like this, so let’s dig into why this happens, and why that thought that you are failing could not be further than the truth.
Why Do So Many Moms Feel This Way?
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Before having a baby, you probably had an idea of what motherhood would look like, maybe a mix of what you saw on social media, from friends, or even your own mother. You imagined a clean home, a happy baby, and yourself juggling it all with ease.
But the reality? The house is a mess, the baby is crying again, and you cannot even remember the last time you drank a cup of coffee while it was still hot. The gap between expectations and reality can be crashing, and making it feel like you are failing before you even had a chance to find your rhythm.
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If you are a high-achiever, you are probably used to handling everything on your own. You were the person who could juggle work, relationships, and personal goals with ease. The postpartum life is different. There is no structured feedback, no promotions, no clear indicators of success.
Instead, you are operating on a little to no sleep, making decisions on the fly, and constantly second-guessing yourself. It feels like no matter how much you do, there is always more, another diaper to change, another feeding, another thing you forgot to do.
The pressure you do to do it all perfectly is exhausting, and it is easy to feel like you were falling short.
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The to-do list never ends. Even when you are resting, your brain is not. You are keeping track of feeding schedules, doctor’s appointments, household chores, emotional needs, the status of your relationship and every tiny detail of your babies care. It is like running a project that is never ending with no off switch
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You desperately want help, but at the same time, letting her control feels impossible. You might feel frustrated that your partner does not step in more, yet when they do, you find yourself micromanaging because they don't do things right.
It is a constant battle, wanting to delegate but also wanting things done a certain way.
And sometimes, instead of just asking for what you need, you expect your partner to just know. When they do not, it adds to the resentment, making you feel even more alone in the process.
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Everything feels harder when you are exhausted. The brain fog, the forgetfulness, the emotional roller coaster. All of it is intensified by sleep deprivation. Add in the hormonal shifts happening during postpartum, and it is no wonder why small struggles he'll like massive failures.
When you are running on fumes, it is easy to spiral into self-doubt. You might start questioning everything, your parenting choices, relationship, even your ability to function as a human.
These feelings are not a reflection of your worth. They are a reflection of exhaustion and a body still recovering from childbirth.
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Before motherhood, you had a clear sense of who you were. You were career driven, ambitious, independent. Now, your entire world resolves around keeping a tiny human alive, and your old self feels distant.
You might miss the freedom to make last-minute plans, the ability to focus on your own needs, or even just have a conversation that is not about the sleep schedules.
Loving your baby and missing your old life are not mutually exclusive. You can adore your new role and grieve the loss of who you used to be.
Is It Normal?
Yes, and You are Actually Not Failing!
Every single mom who looks like they have it all put together had moments where they feel like they are failing at something. What most people don’t look at is that struggling with something and failing are two very different things. Struggling in postpartum is just part of the transition into motherhood. Even if we had tried our best to prepare, there are things that were a shock to you. Motherhood has a really steep learning curve and while we are learning, we are going to be struggling.
Motherhood is messy and full of moments that are not social media worthy. just like you don’t share your messy house, kids crying, fights with your partner, others don’t share that either.
This is the time where we learn how to recalibrate what giving 100% looks like. When we find out what we can let fall off of our plates, what we can delegate and how much we can focus on at a time.
How Do I Reframe These Feelings?
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Motherhood is not about perfection. It is about persistence, learning, growing, and holding grace for yourself.
Instead of focusing on everything that is not getting done, shift your focus to what is happening. Your baby is growing, you are learning, and you are showing up every day.
Success postpartum is not about checking off to do lists. It is about connection, grace, and taking things one step at a time. That might look like not yelling at your partner for the fourth time, or showing up to work with your hair washed.
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When trying to manage the mental load, we need to use different tools than what we used before to manage the mental load. We are different now, and so using some thing different is the only way through this journey.
write things down instead of keeping them in your head.
Share the responsibilities, partners cannot help with what they do not know.
Let go of the pressure to remember everything, it is okay to miss a few details.
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Asking for help is hard especially when you want it to be done up to your standards. Just remember, it is about getting help and tolerating the distress of things getting done in a way that you would not have done them.
You do not have to do this alone. Let people support you
Communicate your needs directly, your partner is not a mind reader.
Except that different does not mean wrong.
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During the postpartum period rest is hard to do and also very important, and small things often equal up to be big changes.
Because sleep impacts everything, when it is possible prioritize rest over your to do list.
If you cannot take naps, at least take a five minute break when you can to close your eyes and take a few deep breaths.
Small wins matter. Drinking a cup of water, drinking a cup of coffee while it is still warm, getting fresh air, taking a shower, taking a shower, these all add up and can make a huge difference.
Celebrate progress, not perfection.
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Reaching out, and asking for support can be one of the most difficult things when you already feel like you are failing and have zero time.
Usually the things that we need the most are the first things to go, like support, self-care, and therapy.
Reach out to other moms that are in similar phases of life.
Don't want to go to a support group? Make your own group of friends, and dedicate an hour a week to meet either online or in-person.
Find local mom groups, either therapy support groups, workout classes, or groups that focus on connection and self-care.
Reach out to a therapist that specializes in postpartum. Therapist can help you find yourself, process the transition into motherhood, and find ways to hold grace for yourself while you are still learning.
Just Remember
If you feel like you are failing in motherhood, just remember, you are not! And you are not alone!
Postpartum is a time for learning and adjusting. Part of learning and growing is making mistakes and dropping the ball on things. Yes, you are making mistakes, and, it is also true that you are not failing.
The transition into motherhood is one of the most intense things you can ask of yourself. Be kind, gentle and patient with the learning process.
You are not failing and you do not have to navigate this journey alone.
Hi, I am Kristina Anzell. I am a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and Certified Pediatric Sleep Consultant. I work with moms and couples in the postpartum phase of life to help them move through anxiety, depression, sleep issues for you and baby, relationship struggles and more. You deserve the support you need! Please reach out if you have any questions, need resources or want to start therapy sessions with me.