Is It Normal to Love My Baby and I Miss My Old Life
Becoming a mother is a profound journey filled with joy, love, and unexpected challenges. It is common for new mothers to experience in mix of emotions, including a deep affection for their child and longing for their pre-baby life. This duality can be confusing and guilt inducing, but it is a natural part of the transition into motherhood.
The Unspoken Truth of Postpartum
Many new mothers grapple with with the silent struggle of loving their baby while mourning the loss of their previous way of life. This experience is more widespread than people talk about. There is so much change from before being a mom to after being a mom that there has been a term coined for this change. Matrescence - like adolescence - is the shift in a moms entire identity. How they think, feel, relate to others around them, their social supports… everything has changed since becoming a mother.
With all of these changes happening we need time to grieve our old identity and give breathing room to grow into our new identity. New moms should be able to say, “I love him so much, but I miss my old life” without having other people or other moms judge us. Once we can recognize and validate these conflicting feelings for ourselves, we can then more towards understanding and coping with them.
Why Does This Happen? The Psychology of Change
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The term “matrescence” is the process of becoming a mother. When we become mothers, we are not really warned or told that so much change is coming, and if we are told, we are not in a place to hear it.
The changes that come feel like a surprise to us, something we were not expecting and change we were not wanting. Along with these changes, we are also told that we are not allowed to feel sad or frustrated with these changes.
If we are talking about not being able to go for weekend backpacking trips anymore, peoples response is “oh but you have a beautiful baby now so thats okay.”If forces moms to go into hiding and figure out these changes for themselves and can lead to a loss of identity other than mom.
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The responsibilities of constant caregiving can make the loss of personal freedom and spontaneity feel overwhelming.
On top of that, when we want to go do something for ourselves, we have to check in with our partner now to make sure they are free to do that caregiving.
It can feel like we now have to “get permission” to go do something and that we are placing some burden on the other person when doing something for ourselves.
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Friendships, partnerships, and work dynamics often change after a baby arrives.
We see the world in a different way, we have a shift in priorities and values and we have less time and energy for people.With these changes, we of course relate to people differently. What we thought was funny, no longer is. What we had time for, we no longer do. What we did for fun, we no longer find fun or energy giving.
When the people around us are not going through these same changes, it can lead to feelings of isolation and disconnection.
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Cognitive dissonance is when you hold two conflicting thoughts or emotions at the same time.
“My partner is really helpful, and he is really oblivious to the help I need.”
It can be hard for new moms to recognize that both things are true and that one does not have to beat out the other.
When this happens around identity, it can look like, “I love being a mom, and I hate my new life.”
It can be hard to hold both of these at the same time and say that both are true without judgement and shame.
Mom Guilt
Experiencing these feelings often leads to guilt and shame. Many mothers question their love for their children or fear judgement from others if they speak their feelings. However, it is essential to understand that missing your old life does not negate your love for your baby. When we can embrace these emotions without self-judgement, it allows us to move through this adjustment into motherhood.
Ways to Honor Yourself in Motherhood
Balancing your new role with your previous identity is crucial for your emotional, mental and physical well-being. Here are some little, achievable ways to work on moving through motherhood.
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Reengage in hobbies or activities you enjoyed before motherhood. They might not look the same now, and will not be as often, but even if only for short periods they will help you hold onto your identity apart from being a mother.
If you are used to going to a gym everyday for 2 hours, try going to the gym for 30 minutes 3x a week.
If you are used to going climbing every weekend for the whole day, maybe you go every other weekend for an hour.If you are used to going out to dinner with friends every weekend, maybe you grab coffee for an hour every other weekend.
This practice can help maintain a sense of self beyond parenting while balancing the added demands that motherhood places on you. -
Integrate aspects of your old life into your new routine. For instance, if you enjoyed social outings, consider joining a mothers’ group that allows children. If you like to be active, join a workout class that is meant for baby and me, or a gym that has built in childcare.
If you are used to feeling accomplished at the end of the day, reset your goals to be more realistic. Having the to-do list be: get dressed, go outside, read after the baby goes down. -
Allow yourself to mourn the loss of your old life. Acknowledging this grief is a healthy part of the transition and does not diminish your love for your child.
Talk to another new mother about the grief you are feeling, journal about the conflicting emotions, talk to your partner about how hard having a baby is.
You Are Not Alone
It is important to remember that these feelings are temporary and often evolve as you adjust to your new role. Many mothers find that as they grow into motherhood, they can blend elements of their old life and new life, creating a balance and fulfilling new identity.
It is entirely normal to love your baby and miss your old life simultaneously. Embracing this duality without guilt allows for a more authentic and compassionate transition into motherhood. Remember, you are not alone in this journey, and with time, support, and some compassion, you can navigate these emotions and find a new sense of self that honors both who you were and who you are becoming.
Hi, I am Kristina Anzell. I am a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and Certified Pediatric Sleep Consultant. I work with moms and couples in the postpartum phase of life to help them move through anxiety, depression, sleep issues for you and baby, relationship struggles and more. You deserve the support you need! Please reach out if you have any questions, need resources or want to start therapy sessions with me.