My Baby will not Sleep! Is this Normal?
If you are exhausted, frustrated, and wondering why nothing seems to help your baby sleep, you are not alone.
Despite trying every trick in the book, white noise, dark rooms, perfectly timed wake windows, your little one still struggles to sleep.
You look around, talk to other moms and it seems like your baby is the only one not sleeping. It is enough to make any parent feel like they are doing something wrong.
But here’s the truth: it is completely normal for baby sleep to feel impossible, no matter what you do.
Infant sleep isn’t a one-size-fits-all situation, and every baby has unique needs. Let’s explore why sleep challenges happen, how temperament plays a role, and how gentle sleep strategies like My Sweet Sleeper and The Sleep Lady can help.
Understanding Why Baby Sleep Feels Impossible
Newborns and infants do not sleep like adults. Their sleep cycles are shorter, they wake frequently for feeding, and their brains are in overdrive developing essential skills.
Here are some common reasons why sleep can feel like a never-ending struggle:
Biological Norms: Newborns are super active sleepers and spend a majority of the night it seems like grunting, making noises or crying. They also wake at night to eat until they are about 6 month old.
Developmental Milestones: Growth spurts, teething, learning to roll, crawling, or standing all can temporarily disrupt sleep. Some babies are just more sensitive to these shift.
Sleep Regressions: We al know about the infamous 4-month sleep regression, but did you know there is also an 8-month, and 18-month sleep regression? These regressions are actually progressions in brain development, making sleep unpredictable.
Overtiredness and Wake Windows: Contrary to what you might think, an overtired baby often fights sleep harder than a baby who is well rested. Following your baby’s natural, age appropriate wake windows can help.
Temperament Matters: Every baby is unique, and their personality can play a huge role in how they sleep.
Temperament and Sleep
Your baby’s temperament significantly affects their sleep. Understanding their unique personality can help tailor sleep strategies that work, rather than just taking general advice. Here are four common temperament types and how they impact sleep:
The Easygoing or adaptable Baby: This baby adapts well to changes and can often self-soothe with little intervention. They can generally sleep in the go or in their crib with little training and don’t seem overly affected by a short or missed nap. They may experience sleep regressions but generally return to their routine quickly.
The Sensitive Baby: Easily overstimulated and highly aware of their environment. They never or rarely can sleep anywhere except for their crib. When trying to sooth them, it almost seems like the more you do, the more worked up the baby gets.
The Alert/Active Baby: Always on the move, this baby fights sleep because they don’t want to miss out on anything. They often need motion or a consistent routine to settle.
The Attached Baby: Resistant to changes in routine, this baby may struggle with transitions (like moving from co-sleeping to a crib) and need extra time to adjust. This is the baby who sleeps well on you, but may struggle to sleep in their own space alone.
By identifying your baby’s temperament, you can set realistic sleep expectations and choose strategies that will actually work for your family.
My Sweet Sleeper Approach: Flexible, Responsive Sleep Training
The My Sweet Sleeper method focuses on sleep as a biological function, rather than something that can be forced. Instead of rigid sleep training, it promotes gentle, responsive sleep coaching. So, what does that even mean?
Looking at the Big Picture: Sleep is not just about bedtime. Sleep is effected by things during the day like feeding, wake windows, sleep environment and routine, and don’t forget temperament.
Gradual Adjustments: Instead of making drastic changes, this method supports small, manageable shifts in sleep habits allowing for the baby to adjust gradually rather than being thrown into the deep end.
Encouraging Self-Soothing (Without High Distress): Teaching babies to fall asleep independently while still responding to their needs. If a baby is in too much distress, they are not able to learn anything. When you use a method that ignores the babies needs, it might work really well, but they are falling asleep because they cannot take the high distress anymore. My sweet sleeper avoids this dynamic.
Adjusting Sleep Expectations: Understanding that sleep will not always be perfect, and that is okay. The goal is to get the whole family as much sleep as possible while still aligning with family values.
The Sleep Lady: Gradual, Gentle Sleep Coaching
Another widely respected method of gentle sleep coaching is from The Sleep Lady, which emphasizes gradual steps towards independent sleep.
S.O.A.R.
Stop: Pause and take a moment to calm yourself before responding to your baby's crying.
Observe: Watch your baby closely to see what might be going on (e.g., is the baby hungry, tired, or in need of comfort?).
Assess: Based on your observations, try to determine the underlying cause of the crying.
Respond: Address the baby's needs appropriately, whether that means feeding, soothing, or simply holding them.
ABC’s of Safe Sleep
Alone: the baby should be sleeping alone. Co-sleeping is generally not recommended because it increases the risk of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS).
Back: When setting the baby down for sleep, baby should be on their back. If they roll onto their side or stomach on their own, that is okay. You may need to help them turn back to their back if they wake up and are fussy and don’t yet know how to roll back over.
Crib: The crib is the safest place for baby. In order to make the crib a safe environment, make sure the crib has nothing in it with no crib bumpers.
Sleep Lady Shuffle
The Sleep Lady Shuffle offers tips on gradually moving further and further away from the baby as they are sleeping. This is so that you are gradually reducing your involvement in getting them to sleep as they gradually learn these skills for themselves.
This approach is effective for parents who want a structured sleep plan while still maintaining a strong connection with their baby.
When to Let Go of Sleep Perfection
One of the biggest myths in parenting is that all babies should sleep through the night by a certain age. In reality, every baby has their own sleep timeline. Trying to force a rigid sleep schedule when your baby is not ready can potentially lead to more sleep problems in the future.
Signs that it might be time to adjust your expectations:
Your mental health is suffering because of your expectations on your baby’s sleep.
You are not able to be consistent with your current interventions.
Your interventions are going against your parenting values when it comes to sleep interventions.
Instead of striving for a “perfect sleeper,” focus on small wins and celebrate progress. Some nights will be better than others, and that’s okay.
Prioritizing Your Own Sleep & Well-Being
It is easy to focus solely on your baby’s sleep and forget about your own. Your sleep matters too, and I would argue that is should be the priority. If you are not able to function because of sleep deprivation, then you will not be able to respond to your baby in the way you want to. Even if your baby’s sleep is unpredictable or is not happening, here are some ways to protect your own rest:
Rest When You Can: When the baby is sleeping, take advantage! Rest does not have to mean take a nap, but it means give yourself that opportunity. When they baby is taking a nap, instead of seeing how much you can do around the house, lay down and close your eyes, even if it is just for 5 minutes!
If resting is not possible right now, try and set an alarm for an hour after baby goes to sleep and head to bed then.
Ask for Help: Baby not taking naps in their crib yet? Rather than being nap trapped all day, as for help! Have a friend over, as your partner to take a nap, hire help if you can!
At night, share the night time duties. Even If you are the primary caregiver while your partner goes to work, they can still pull their weight at night. People need sleep to function and both of you have important jobs the next day. Make sure to have a plan so that you are getting 4 hours of uninterrupted sleep.
(If baby is still nursing more frequently than that, have your partner do everything except for feed them during that 4 hour window so that you can stay as asleep as possible.)
Adjust Your Expectations: Some phases are just tough. If we add on the extra pressure of “I should be enjoying this.” Or “I should be so grateful that I get this time with the baby.” If just weighs us down more.
Work on accepting that caring for a baby is difficult! It is okay if you are struggling. It is okay if you do not love it. It is okay if this is not what you pictured for your maternity leave.
Take Breaks: Even small moments of self-care can help recharge you. Putting the baby down for 1 minute even if they are crying is okay! They are fine and will be fine. You need that break more than the baby needs your comfort!
Take a moment to close your eyes, breathe, go get ear plugs if you need to reset your nervous system, make yourself some hot tea!
Do anything that helps you find your center again so that you can continue to be the parent you want to be.
If you are feeling defeated because your baby will not sleep, know that you are not alone. Infant sleep is complex, and no single approach works for every baby. Whether you follow My Sweet Sleeper, The Sleep Lady, or a mix of methods, the most important thing is finding a strategy that works for your family. You are not failing, your baby is just wired to wake up more than you would like. Be patient, trust the process, and know that better sleep will come with time.
You are not Alone!
So, is it normal to feel overstimulated and touched out as a mom? Yes. Absolutely.
This doesn’t mean you’re failing. It means you are doing a hard, beautiful, exhausting job, and your nervous system is asking for relief. The best thing you can do for yourself, and your family, is to recognize what you need, set boundaries, and create space to recharge.
When you are taking care of yourself and your nervous system, you have more room to respond with love, patience, and connection. And that is what really matters.
Hi, I am Kristina Anzell. I am a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and Certified Pediatric Sleep Consultant. I work with moms and couples in the postpartum phase of life to help them move through anxiety, depression, sleep issues for you and baby, relationship struggles and more. You deserve the support you need! Please reach out if you have any questions, need resources or want to start therapy sessions with me.